Fred Thompson Funnies-Part 6

Catching up! Haven’t posted these in a while and we all need a laugh! Thanks Frank J. at IMAO!

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Early maps labeled uncharted areas “Here be Fred Thompson.” The practice was soon stopped because Fred Thompson prefers to be unlisted.

<!– Comments (7) –>
Fred Thompson has never heard of soccer.

<!– Comments (12) –>
Fred Thompson never says, “More Ovaltine, please!” If you value your life, you will anticipate his Ovaltine needs.

In the original version of the tale “The Three Little Pigs,” Fred Thompson successfully blows the brick house down, turns the three pigs into BLTs, and makes a hat out of the big bad wolf.

<!– Comments (5) –>
Fred Thompson can improve a floundering economy simply by glaring at it menacingly.

<!– Comments (2) –>
Fred Thompson has an extensive library of thousands of scholarly books on every topic… and each one has been hollowed out and had a gun placed inside it.

<!– Comments (5) –>
Special Harry Potter Edition Fred Thompson Facts

* Fred Thompson’s glare has the same effect as a Cruciatus Curse.

* Dumbledore was the only wizard Voldemort ever feared. Why? Because Dumbledore was friends with Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson can transform into the most powerful Animagus form of all: Fred Thompson.

* If you call Fred Thompson a Muggle, he’ll cast a spell on you where you spit out all your teeth. He uses his fist to cast the spell.

* A Quidditch game ends when either the Golden Snitch is caught or Fred Thompson becomes bored.

* Fred Thompson has killed more Death Eaters than any Auror… and that was just this morning.

* Even an Imperius Curse can’t make you vote against Fred Thompson.

* SPOILER!!! At the end of Deathly Hallows, Fred Thompson kills Voldemort. With a ping pong paddle.

<!– Comments (10) –> Fred Thompson’s home alarm system automatically calls the police, but it seems kinda useless since they’d never arrive in time to save the burglar.

<!– Comments (7) –>
Fred Thompson once wrote a poem that was three times as lovely as a tree.
[Wait… I think that one might actually be a John Edwards Fabulous Fact. -Ed.]
Every day, Fred Thompson beats up eight times his weight in hippies.

<!– Comments (16) –>
If Fred Thompson watches paint dry, it makes itself entertaining.

<!– Comments (6) –>
Fred Thompson always keeps his eyes on his enemies… even when he sneezes.

<!– Comments (5) –>
Fred Thompson’s sheer willpower is so strong it can microwave a burrito.

<!– Comments (14) –>
Fred Thompson has never had to discipline his dogs. If they ever feel they have disappointed their master, they commit seppuku.

<!– Comments (11) –>
Fred Thompson has exactly the right amount of cowbell.

<!– Comments (19) –>
When Fred Thompson visits San Francisco, it’s temporarily the straightest city in the country.

<!– Comments (10) –>
Fred Thompson’s TV records all the shows he wants to watch. There isn’t a DVR connected to it; the TV’s just scared of making him mad.

<!– Comments (12) –>
Once Fred Thompson played such a great game of Monopoly that the Federal Trade Commission got involved.

<!– Comments (9) –>
Fred Thompson has such self-control that he has only laughed once during the entire five year history of IMAO… and it was probably at something Harvey wrote.

<!– Comments (5) –>
Even annoying yip-yap dogs are reverently silent in the presence of Fred Thompson.

<!– Comments (5) –>
A video game company was working on a Fred Thompson simulator where one gets to experience the awesomeness of being Fred Thompson, but they had to shut it down because everyone who tried it had his face melted off.

<!– Comments (5) –>
Fred Thompson doesn’t take “No” for an answer… unless the question was “What don’t I take for an answer?” Then you better correctly respond with “No” before Fred Thompson rips out your spine and beats you with it.

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Fred Thompson Funnies-Part 6

Catching up! Haven’t posted these in a while and we all need a laugh! Thanks Frank J. at IMAO!

********************

Early maps labeled uncharted areas “Here be Fred Thompson.” The practice was soon stopped because Fred Thompson prefers to be unlisted.

<!– Comments (7) –>
Fred Thompson has never heard of soccer.

<!– Comments (12) –>
Fred Thompson never says, “More Ovaltine, please!” If you value your life, you will anticipate his Ovaltine needs.

In the original version of the tale “The Three Little Pigs,” Fred Thompson successfully blows the brick house down, turns the three pigs into BLTs, and makes a hat out of the big bad wolf.

<!– Comments (5) –>
Fred Thompson can improve a floundering economy simply by glaring at it menacingly.

<!– Comments (2) –>
Fred Thompson has an extensive library of thousands of scholarly books on every topic… and each one has been hollowed out and had a gun placed inside it.

<!– Comments (5) –>
Special Harry Potter Edition Fred Thompson Facts

* Fred Thompson’s glare has the same effect as a Cruciatus Curse.

* Dumbledore was the only wizard Voldemort ever feared. Why? Because Dumbledore was friends with Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson can transform into the most powerful Animagus form of all: Fred Thompson.

* If you call Fred Thompson a Muggle, he’ll cast a spell on you where you spit out all your teeth. He uses his fist to cast the spell.

* A Quidditch game ends when either the Golden Snitch is caught or Fred Thompson becomes bored.

* Fred Thompson has killed more Death Eaters than any Auror… and that was just this morning.

* Even an Imperius Curse can’t make you vote against Fred Thompson.

* SPOILER!!! At the end of Deathly Hallows, Fred Thompson kills Voldemort. With a ping pong paddle.

<!– Comments (10) –> Fred Thompson’s home alarm system automatically calls the police, but it seems kinda useless since they’d never arrive in time to save the burglar.

<!– Comments (7) –>
Fred Thompson once wrote a poem that was three times as lovely as a tree.
[Wait… I think that one might actually be a John Edwards Fabulous Fact. -Ed.]
Every day, Fred Thompson beats up eight times his weight in hippies.

<!– Comments (16) –>
If Fred Thompson watches paint dry, it makes itself entertaining.

<!– Comments (6) –>
Fred Thompson always keeps his eyes on his enemies… even when he sneezes.

<!– Comments (5) –>
Fred Thompson’s sheer willpower is so strong it can microwave a burrito.

<!– Comments (14) –>
Fred Thompson has never had to discipline his dogs. If they ever feel they have disappointed their master, they commit seppuku.

<!– Comments (11) –>
Fred Thompson has exactly the right amount of cowbell.

<!– Comments (19) –>
When Fred Thompson visits San Francisco, it’s temporarily the straightest city in the country.

<!– Comments (10) –>
Fred Thompson’s TV records all the shows he wants to watch. There isn’t a DVR connected to it; the TV’s just scared of making him mad.

<!– Comments (12) –>
Once Fred Thompson played such a great game of Monopoly that the Federal Trade Commission got involved.

<!– Comments (9) –>
Fred Thompson has such self-control that he has only laughed once during the entire five year history of IMAO… and it was probably at something Harvey wrote.

<!– Comments (5) –>
Even annoying yip-yap dogs are reverently silent in the presence of Fred Thompson.

<!– Comments (5) –>
A video game company was working on a Fred Thompson simulator where one gets to experience the awesomeness of being Fred Thompson, but they had to shut it down because everyone who tried it had his face melted off.

<!– Comments (5) –>
Fred Thompson doesn’t take “No” for an answer… unless the question was “What don’t I take for an answer?” Then you better correctly respond with “No” before Fred Thompson rips out your spine and beats you with it.