Parent Job Description-Time For Some Humor!

My friend Michelle sent this to me–the job description for parents! How many of us would have “applied” for the job if we’d seen an ad like this? And yet, how can we resist?

POSITION:

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an,
often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and
endless sports tournaments in far away cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

None.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth,
unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life
if you play your cards right.

**AND A FOOTNOTE: THERE IS NO RETIREMENT — EVER!!!

5 Nuns-Joke From Email

My friend Besty sent this to me and boy did I need the laugh today. Being a staunch, Traditionalist Catholic, you would think I would take offense–however, life’s way too short to take offense. It’s CERTAINLY less offensive than most lyrics you hear polluting the airwaves and the pornification of children these days. So, enjoy some good clean fun–from the picture, even the nuns were having a good time with it and saw the humor!

5 NUNS IN TOWN

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire’s Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.

5 Nuns-Joke From Email

My friend Besty sent this to me and boy did I need the laugh today. Being a staunch, Traditionalist Catholic, you would think I would take offense–however, life’s way too short to take offense. It’s CERTAINLY less offensive than most lyrics you hear polluting the airwaves and the pornification of children these days. So, enjoy some good clean fun–from the picture, even the nuns were having a good time with it and saw the humor!

5 NUNS IN TOWN

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire’s Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.

Fred Thompson Funnies-Part 7

In the midst of the nonsense still going on in the hallowed halls of Congress, with the Michael Vick animal atrocities, hurricanes, bridge collapses, floods–we need a break from the serious and so, it’s time for the next installment of the Fred Thompson Funnies. As always, go visit Frank J. at IMAO. Enjoy! While you’re visiting Frank, check out his other fun facts about other candidates..he doesn’t disappoint!

********************
<!– –>

Fred Thompson’s comprehensive education plan: Be smart or get a whup’n.

<!– –>

Knowing is half the battle. The other half? Fred Thompson.

<!– Comments (5) –>It’s a common belief that, no matter how well-trained, Fred Thompson will eventually snap and violently attack a pitbull. In reality, every time Fred Thompson has attacked a pit bull he’s had a very good reason.

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>

<!– Comments (9) –>
********************

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Quotes from Sun Tzu’s Art of War:

“He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious.”
“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”
“If you pick a battle with Fred Thompson, can I have your stereo?”

********************

<!– Comments (10) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Fred Thompson gets three scoops of raisins in every box of Kellogg’s Raisin Bran.

<!– Comments (17) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Fred Thompson’s fine Italian shoes are made from real Italians.

<!– Comments (10) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Every time Fred Thompson’s PC crashes, Bill Gates calls him and apologizes.

<!– Comments (14) –>********************

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Ways to kill a vampire:

1. Sunlight.
2. Stake through the heart.
3. Tell Fred Thompson that the vampire called him a sissy.

<!– Comments (14) –>********************

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Four our of five dentists agree: You should avoid getting punched in the mouth by Fred Thompson. The fifth dentist hates you.

<!– Comments (9) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>People say they never forget the first time they voted for Fred Thompson. For most people, it was at a voting booth.

<!– Comments (2) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>The most commonly known English phrases worldwide are “Hello,” “Thank you,” and “Please don’t hurt me, Fred Thompson!”

<!– Comments (13) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Cars should stop and look both ways for Fred Thompson before driving through a crosswalk.

<!– Comments (14) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Harry Reid once got a black eye from a memory of Fred Thompson.

<!– Comments (10) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>The lobby scene in The Matrix is loosely based on final poll results from Fred Thompson’s reelection to the Senate.

<!– Comments (9) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Harry Reid was once beaten up by Fred Thompson’s shadow.

<!– Comments (12) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Warning on cars’ side view mirrors: “Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear, and if you can even glimpse Fred Thompson, you’re already dead.”

<!– Comments (11) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Fred Thompson promises that his foreign policy will be like a good action movie: Full of cool one-liners and explosions.

<!– Comments (10) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Fred Thompson can pickpocket a ninja.

<!– Comments (9) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Fred Thompson is dishwasher safe.

<!– Comments (12) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>********************
Fred Thompson’s wife Jeri Thompson has started to be the focus of more news coverage since she is very involved in the Fred Thompson campaign (well, word is it will officially be a “campaign” on September 5th), so I thought I’d do some research on her. Facts about her aren’t as easy to come by as they are about Fred Thompson whose actions are stamped throughout history, but here is what I found:

JERI THOMPSON FACTS

* Jeri Thompson’s favorite scented candles are ginger peach, cinnamon vanilla, and blood of her enemies.

* Jeri Thompson has been called a “trophy wife” just because she’s pretty, but the other candidate’s spouses never get called “honorable mention wives.” Double standard!

* Jeri Thompson appeared on the O’Reilly Factor in 1999. It’s the only time in recorded history that O’Reilly didn’t interrupt a guest.

* As a Republican strategist, her main contribution to the Republican Party was the “Don’t Be a Bunch of Whiny Wusses” strategy. Unfortunately, that’s fallen out of favor in recent years.

* Jeri Thompson always clearly states what she is thinking and doesn’t expect someone else to infer her thoughts.

Okay; I made the last one up. No woman does that.

<!– Comments (14) –>********************

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>New scientific theory gaining ground against evolution: Species turn into other species to try and hide from Fred Thompson.

<!– Comments (2) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>The Death Star is loosely based on Fred Thompson.

<!– Comments (13) –>
You’d have to eat eight crowbars to get the amount of iron that’s in one bowl of Fred Thompson.

<!– Comments (7) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>When will Fred Thompson enter the race? The day after what from then on will be known as Fred Thompson Eve.

<!– Comments (5) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>One day Fred Thompson went to Vegas with only one dollar in his wallet. After three hands of blackjack, he owned the entire city.

<!– Comments (3) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Greek mythology suggests that Fred Thompson is the son of Zeus… or was it the other way
around?

<!– Comments (8) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>During a brisk swim in the Atlantic, Fred Thompson once collided with an iceberg. No penguins survived.

<!– Comments (7) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>To help Fred Thompson get to sleep, he has a white noise machine at his bedside. The settings on it are the ocean, a babbling brook, and the dying screams of his enemies.

********************
<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Newton’s Three Laws of Physics:

1. Object’s in motion tend to stay in motion.
2. For every action there is an equal but opposite reaction.
3. Don’t mess with Fred Thompson.

********************

<!– Comments (14) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Dogs do their best to act calm when around Fred Thompson since they know he can smell fear.

<!– Comments (5) –>

Fred Thompson Funnies-Part 7

In the midst of the nonsense still going on in the hallowed halls of Congress, with the Michael Vick animal atrocities, hurricanes, bridge collapses, floods–we need a break from the serious and so, it’s time for the next installment of the Fred Thompson Funnies. As always, go visit Frank J. at IMAO. Enjoy! While you’re visiting Frank, check out his other fun facts about other candidates..he doesn’t disappoint!

********************
<!– –>

Fred Thompson’s comprehensive education plan: Be smart or get a whup’n.

<!– –>

Knowing is half the battle. The other half? Fred Thompson.

<!– Comments (5) –>It’s a common belief that, no matter how well-trained, Fred Thompson will eventually snap and violently attack a pitbull. In reality, every time Fred Thompson has attacked a pit bull he’s had a very good reason.

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>

<!– Comments (9) –>
********************

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Quotes from Sun Tzu’s Art of War:

“He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious.”
“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”
“If you pick a battle with Fred Thompson, can I have your stereo?”

********************

<!– Comments (10) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Fred Thompson gets three scoops of raisins in every box of Kellogg’s Raisin Bran.

<!– Comments (17) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Fred Thompson’s fine Italian shoes are made from real Italians.

<!– Comments (10) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Every time Fred Thompson’s PC crashes, Bill Gates calls him and apologizes.

<!– Comments (14) –>********************

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Ways to kill a vampire:

1. Sunlight.
2. Stake through the heart.
3. Tell Fred Thompson that the vampire called him a sissy.

<!– Comments (14) –>********************

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Four our of five dentists agree: You should avoid getting punched in the mouth by Fred Thompson. The fifth dentist hates you.

<!– Comments (9) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>People say they never forget the first time they voted for Fred Thompson. For most people, it was at a voting booth.

<!– Comments (2) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>The most commonly known English phrases worldwide are “Hello,” “Thank you,” and “Please don’t hurt me, Fred Thompson!”

<!– Comments (13) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Cars should stop and look both ways for Fred Thompson before driving through a crosswalk.

<!– Comments (14) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Harry Reid once got a black eye from a memory of Fred Thompson.

<!– Comments (10) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>The lobby scene in The Matrix is loosely based on final poll results from Fred Thompson’s reelection to the Senate.

<!– Comments (9) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Harry Reid was once beaten up by Fred Thompson’s shadow.

<!– Comments (12) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Warning on cars’ side view mirrors: “Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear, and if you can even glimpse Fred Thompson, you’re already dead.”

<!– Comments (11) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Fred Thompson promises that his foreign policy will be like a good action movie: Full of cool one-liners and explosions.

<!– Comments (10) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Fred Thompson can pickpocket a ninja.

<!– Comments (9) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Fred Thompson is dishwasher safe.

<!– Comments (12) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>********************
Fred Thompson’s wife Jeri Thompson has started to be the focus of more news coverage since she is very involved in the Fred Thompson campaign (well, word is it will officially be a “campaign” on September 5th), so I thought I’d do some research on her. Facts about her aren’t as easy to come by as they are about Fred Thompson whose actions are stamped throughout history, but here is what I found:

JERI THOMPSON FACTS

* Jeri Thompson’s favorite scented candles are ginger peach, cinnamon vanilla, and blood of her enemies.

* Jeri Thompson has been called a “trophy wife” just because she’s pretty, but the other candidate’s spouses never get called “honorable mention wives.” Double standard!

* Jeri Thompson appeared on the O’Reilly Factor in 1999. It’s the only time in recorded history that O’Reilly didn’t interrupt a guest.

* As a Republican strategist, her main contribution to the Republican Party was the “Don’t Be a Bunch of Whiny Wusses” strategy. Unfortunately, that’s fallen out of favor in recent years.

* Jeri Thompson always clearly states what she is thinking and doesn’t expect someone else to infer her thoughts.

Okay; I made the last one up. No woman does that.

<!– Comments (14) –>********************

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>New scientific theory gaining ground against evolution: Species turn into other species to try and hide from Fred Thompson.

<!– Comments (2) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>The Death Star is loosely based on Fred Thompson.

<!– Comments (13) –>
You’d have to eat eight crowbars to get the amount of iron that’s in one bowl of Fred Thompson.

<!– Comments (7) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>When will Fred Thompson enter the race? The day after what from then on will be known as Fred Thompson Eve.

<!– Comments (5) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>One day Fred Thompson went to Vegas with only one dollar in his wallet. After three hands of blackjack, he owned the entire city.

<!– Comments (3) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Greek mythology suggests that Fred Thompson is the son of Zeus… or was it the other way
around?

<!– Comments (8) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>During a brisk swim in the Atlantic, Fred Thompson once collided with an iceberg. No penguins survived.

<!– Comments (7) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>To help Fred Thompson get to sleep, he has a white noise machine at his bedside. The settings on it are the ocean, a babbling brook, and the dying screams of his enemies.

********************
<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Newton’s Three Laws of Physics:

1. Object’s in motion tend to stay in motion.
2. For every action there is an equal but opposite reaction.
3. Don’t mess with Fred Thompson.

********************

<!– Comments (14) –>

<!– | TrackBack (0) –>Dogs do their best to act calm when around Fred Thompson since they know he can smell fear.

<!– Comments (5) –>

Fred Thompson Funnies-Part 2

From my friend Frank J. at IMAO, here’s this week’s compilation of Fred Thompson funnies!

Fred Thompson doesn’t get sunburned; the sun gets Fred Thompson-burned.

Fred Thompson doesn’t believe in myths such as Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and extraterrestrials — and he knows their existence is myths since he killed them all with his bare hands. Also, he knows for a fact that Elvis is dead since he strangled him in a shopping mall in 1987.

Fred Thompson preferred way to kill a bill in the Senate is the shotgun.

Scientists believe the reason for the sudden extinction of all the dinosaurs is either an asteroid or that they crossed Fred Thompson.

New Fred Thompson shirts from ThoseShirts.com!
Look how awesome it is! You must have one! (See the above picture)
I came up with the slogan, and Doug from ThoseShirts.com came up with the design. He also has a “I’m with Fred” shirt that goes well with Fred Thompson’s new campaign site and a “Better Fred than Dead” shirt.

Anyway, make sure you get a Fred Thompson shirt now to show everyone you support his candidacy. Otherwise, people might think you’re still on the fence and waiting for Chuck Hagel to enter the race.

Scientist predict that the giant BOOM! that will occur when Fred Thompson officially enters the race will not only be heard worldwide, but will also be heard in other galaxies and possibly cause their stars to explode.

Terrorists hate us for our Fred Thompson.

In case it one day needs a backup, Fred Thompson has memorized the internet.

Since they know they can’t outrun Fred Thompson, grizzly bears will often try and play dead.

Fred Thompson Funnies-Part 2

From my friend Frank J. at IMAO, here’s this week’s compilation of Fred Thompson funnies!

Fred Thompson doesn’t get sunburned; the sun gets Fred Thompson-burned.

Fred Thompson doesn’t believe in myths such as Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and extraterrestrials — and he knows their existence is myths since he killed them all with his bare hands. Also, he knows for a fact that Elvis is dead since he strangled him in a shopping mall in 1987.

Fred Thompson preferred way to kill a bill in the Senate is the shotgun.

Scientists believe the reason for the sudden extinction of all the dinosaurs is either an asteroid or that they crossed Fred Thompson.

New Fred Thompson shirts from ThoseShirts.com!
Look how awesome it is! You must have one! (See the above picture)
I came up with the slogan, and Doug from ThoseShirts.com came up with the design. He also has a “I’m with Fred” shirt that goes well with Fred Thompson’s new campaign site and a “Better Fred than Dead” shirt.

Anyway, make sure you get a Fred Thompson shirt now to show everyone you support his candidacy. Otherwise, people might think you’re still on the fence and waiting for Chuck Hagel to enter the race.

Scientist predict that the giant BOOM! that will occur when Fred Thompson officially enters the race will not only be heard worldwide, but will also be heard in other galaxies and possibly cause their stars to explode.

Terrorists hate us for our Fred Thompson.

In case it one day needs a backup, Fred Thompson has memorized the internet.

Since they know they can’t outrun Fred Thompson, grizzly bears will often try and play dead.

Party of Peace or Pieces?

YOU decide.

LARK Goes the Rounds Again–How Timely!

This is something that has gone the email rounds quite a few times. Of course, it has been debunked by Snopes; however, the underlying message to the surrender monkeys and kumbaya crowd is timeless.

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C., 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You’ll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the “Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers” program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Ahmed’s meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also, these should be “one-handed” foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your yard) but look on the bright side…no increase in the toilet paper bill.

He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn’t been completely remedied. Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee’s cage: “Does not play well with others.”

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his attitudinal problem” will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I’m sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka – over time. Just remind them that it is all part of “respecting his culture and his religious beliefs” – wasn’t that how you put it?

However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons; have available for their use several copies of the Q’uran. Oh and rest assured he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren’t more than 2 or 3 days dead.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed – and remember…we’ll be watching. Good luck!

Cordially…Your Buddy,

George W. Bush

Political Science for Dummies–Humor

Yep..another email archive.

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You are forced to join a cooperative to help him manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells the milk at a state store. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the farm subsidy program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours half the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. While looking for them, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You drink some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks she’s French, other times she’s Flemish. The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. The people vote to determine the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state come in and decide which is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. Their milk makes really great nacho cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.